Best Condom Names

When a new type of condom emerges and it receives its official product name, this can either make or break its success in today’s competitive marketplace.

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Sometimes, this pressure can lead marketers to choose interesting, experimental and (unintentionally) funny product names. Here are the 10 best condom names of the condoms here at Condom Depot:

10. Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure

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When I hear the “Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure,” I feel like: I’m about to incur an electric shock, I committed a heinous crime, it’s time to unplug my phone or I just swiped my credit card. Plus, using the word charged in a condom name implies some kind of prostitution just took place. Trojan probably should have just stuck with the Orgasmic Pleasure bit and left the charging to the Criminal Defense system.

9. Trojan Thintensity

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You truly cannot fight the awesome power of this word meld. Ahh, Trojan Thintensity, you’ll surely entice us all with your clever blending of the words “thin” and “intensity.” We are unable to resist your alluring portmanteau (a.k.a combining two words into one). Must purchase due to irresistibly integrated condom name!

8. Caution Wear Wild Rose

caution-wear-wild-rose-condom

Hmm, the thought of multitudes of thorns anywhere near my condoms doesn’t fill me with a lot of confidence. Just cause the ladies stereotypically like roses, this doesn’t necessarily mean we want to associate condoms with fields of overgrown rose bushes during our most intimate acts. Although the Caution Wear Wild Rose will prevent her from being pollinated, this is definitely not the most virile and potent name for a ribbed condom, especially since Caution Wear used to call this condom Speed Bumps, which is a much more suitable name for the product.

7. Durex Performax Intense

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Looks like Durex is hopping on the noun + verb = sales train as well. All aboard, next stop is downtown! Let’s hope that your partner’s caboose is “intense,” enough for you to “performax,” it up to your utmost potential. I can’t help but feel like this British company is trying to appeal to American customers with this name, but it sounds more like a deodorant than a condom to me.

6. Trojan Fire & Ice Ecstasy

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If the name of your condom is so long, you need an ampersand just to fit it on the box, you may have picked an unsuitable product name. Granted, I’m all for temperature play, but people rarely want their genitals to feel either “fire-y” or “ice-y.” They might as well have called the Trojan Fire & Ice Ecstasy, ‘Desert Sun & Arctic Tundra’ condoms. ‘Equator Ecstasy’ may have been better choice.

5. LifeStyles Tuxedo Black

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I’m sure I’m not the only one who has secretly hoped these would look like the tuxedo t-shirts which were popular in the 1980’s. Can we at least get a bow tie printed on them around the head? A pocket square? A row of button shaped studs? Come on! Don’t be fooled by the name, the LifeStyles Tuxedo Black  is pure black and there ain’t no tux about it.

4. LifeStyles Thryll, LifeStyles Wyld, LifeStyles KYNG Ribbed

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LifeStyles ThryllLifeStyles WyldLifeStyles KYNG Ribbed – What’s more streetwise and urban than putting a “y” in place of an “i?” Nothing. Nothing, I say. LifeStyles has attempted to tap into the minds and wallets of inner city lingo enthusiasts with the infusion of many “y’s” into their otherwise bland condom names. This is amusing tactic, since this was also a popular method of spelling in Middle English. Surely, Chaucer would have used Wyld condoms. Hey, if it works, “y” change it?

3. Caution Wear Mission 707 Studded

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Anyone ball-sy enough to name a condom after a 3 digit number is a-ok in my book. Is the Caution Wear Mission 707 somehow meant to resemble a 707 Boeing, or is this just a random series of numbers? Was it their 707th condom design? We may never know, but we do know this mission wasn’t  too impossible, if you got far enough to need a condom. You stud, you.

2. LifeStyles Fun Bumps

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Something about this name evokes a festive, celebratory feeling. I really like the multiple meanings of the word “bump.” Bump into someone at a bar, have some fun bumping elbows with them and then put on your Lifestyles Fun Bumps textured condom and as Die Antwoord would say, “Bump it, bump it!” What’s not fun about that?

1. Caution Wear Camox PPE

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I seriously wonder how many people decide to buy the Caution Wear Camox PPE  condom based on the gratuitous “x” at the end of camo and the random acronym tacked on the end, which stands for, “Premium Protection Everytime.” Apparently, they think “everytime,” is one word. For those who are concerned with both grammar and protection, the correct acronym would be PPET.

About Condom Depot

The Condom Depot Learning Center provides free safer sex ed and has recently been resourced by Men's Health, Go Ask Alice, Her Campus, LifeHacker, Scarleteen, Bustle, Madame Noire, Jezebel, Vice, Stallion Style, aPlus, Sex Talk Tuesday and Adult Sex Ed Month.

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