Festival season is upon us, so we thought, “If festivals were a condom… which one would they be and why?”
Yes, I admit, this idea arose during a lunch meeting when the members of the creative team at Condom Depot and I were downing some tasty craft brews. This much is true. At this time we decided, based on our collective love of music and obvious abundance of condom knowledge, that the spring and summer festivals of 2014 should each be assigned appropriate condoms.
It would be practically impossible to include all of the festivals going on this season, so don’t be offended if we left your favorite one out. So, here they are, in alphabetical order (fancy!):
Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival
If you’re planning on having some ‘Drunk In Love’ while Kanye performs this year, don’t get, “pregnant in your mouth,” as he suggests. For both flava and safety, a flavored condom like the Trustex Chocolate Flavored condom is a good alternative.
If you’re holding out for some action after Jack White’s soulful songs, don’t let this post-jam lovin’, “disrupt, corrupt or interrupt,” your health or your future. Hand him one of these Trustex Dual Color condoms and it’ll make your man’s member look like he’s wearing Jack’s signature black hat.
We all know how dehydrating the desert sun is. Add a gigantic fiery effigy and booze to that and you got yourself the need for additional lube, for sure. What better way to combat the extremely dry heat than with aloe, natures solution to sun baked skin?
The Beyond Seven Aloe condom is the way to go when beating the August heat…or meat…in your tent at Burning man this year.
Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival
There’s a dark edge creeping into Coachella with The Knife and Skrillex both appearing on stage this year. This gothy undertone is sure to please even the palest and the stompiest members of the audience.
My pick for Coachella’s condom is the new LifeStyles Black Label condom- for those who are so dark, rebellious and non-conformist, even condoms give up and end up conforming to them instead (which in this case is fine, since these are contoured for comfort).
Electric Daisy Carnival (EDC)
This somewhat new festival is gaining a ton of media attention as it boasts some of the most brightly colored crowds in all of festival land.
Nonstop electronic goodness and a plethora of knob twiddlin’ DJs make this psychedelic event ideal for LEDs and Night Lights Glow in the Dark condoms.
South by Southwest
Watch out virgins, cause Urge Overkill of, “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon,” fame and the Los Lonely Boys are both hittin’ the stage at SXSW this year. Talk about some panty dropping tunes.
Better prep up right with the FC2 female condom. Then you can let these crooners overpower you with their sonic wiles, all while you stay safely in control.
Telluride Bluegrass Festival
With a lineup like Bela Fleck and Yonder Mountain, the Telluride is sure to be one hell of a ride this year. When your wang just can’t take anymore of that sweet twang, don’t fret.
Just pluck your sweetheart from the crowd and work on your right hand fingering, Olde Tyme style. Since banjos are made with goat skin heads, it’s only fitting for the Trojan NaturaLamb to be dubbed the best condom for Telluride.
Ultra Music Festival
Cut Copy and Afrojack are together at last in the blazing beat frenzy going on this month in Miami. If these two Ultra performances have got you feeling Ultra Sensitive, it seems fitting to bring some of these extra thin condoms along from LifeStyles.
MGMT is headlining, and you know what they say, “I’m feeling rough, I’m feeling raw, I’m in the prime of my life.” Ok MGMT fans, if you like it to feel both rough and raw (and you want to live past your prime without getting a STD) then the Rough Rider Studded by LifeStyles is the ultimate condom for this festival.
Vans Warped Tour
Since this tour is traditionally for the newbies and more prone-to-go-skateboarding crowd, as evidenced by the lineup of MC Chris and Less than Jake, I think a simple condom, like the Caution Wear Classic, is all that’s needed. Let’s not give them a bunch of insane features or else they think it’s sketchy, they’ll bail out and decide to fashion a condom out of griptape instead.
Source: [Seat Geek]