If you’d be mistaken for a hobo, if it wasn’t for your constant iPhone use, you might be hipster.
Hipsters are known for their discerning taste preferences, including fine wines, small batch craft beers and American Spirits, yet they’re humble enough to enjoy thrift shopping, riding on bikes instead of in cars, couch crashing and an ice cold PBR.
Hipsters, who are the hippies of our day, are also known for loving anything that is free. Free of conformist ingredients, that is. Is this pizza gluten-free? Is this gum artificial sweetener-free? Is this mustache wax cruelty-free? Is this taco GMO-free?
Of course, hipsters are also known for their carefree attitudes towards sex and sexuality.I carefully examined our enormous selection of condoms in order to determine which of our condoms are the most hipster friendly, so there won’t be an outpouring of hipster babies in Animal Collective onesies who will rise up and rule the earth in a couple of decades.
The Top 10 Condoms for Hipsters:
For the plus-sized-hipster-mister who is doing his part to stick it to Trojan for their commercialized success, yet is in need of Large-sized condoms, try the silicone-lubed Caution Wear Grande as a less expensive, higher quality Trojan Magnum alternative.
Did you just attend a hipster wedding, which was complete with customized acid washed jean jackets, plaid bow ties and second hand chiffon gowns from the 80s? Did the happy couple ride off together on a tandem bike, with recycled toilet paper streaming from the back of it? Then make your night complete by topping off the ensemble with a LifeStyles Tuxedo.
This lightbulb-shaped condom, called the Trojan Her Pleasure, is perfect for those uncircumcised hipsters, who feel the same way about condoms as they do about their underemployment as a Barista with a Masters degree– they need some wiggle room.
For the discerning condom connoisseur hipster, who sips wine that’s older than they themselves are, only the best will do. And, at 30 condoms for $30, their Etsy shop should just about cover the cost of the World’s Best Tin. This tin also doubles as a reusable bucket for composting or catching home brew overflow.
Ready for some ironic patriotism while you break in that trash picked love seat? Then put on that Kameoleon Tri-Color condom! This over-the-top american flag condom pairs well with fluorescent sunglasses and a Cosby sweater.
While not a condom, this Lixx Dental Dam latex barrier is great for the LGBT hipster community, as well as straight hipsters who don’t want the herp messing up their handlebar ‘stache perch.
Perfect for those on a Paleo diet or those who are into all-natural products, this natural lamb membrane feels like dream, but beware cool cats, because this NaturaLamb condom only protects against pregnancy, not STDs.
Hipsters’ feminist edge makes this non-latex female condom ideal for female empowerment and gender role reversal. Bring a FC2 with you in your fanny pack the next time go to a festival and you won’t regret it.
These non-latex condoms are one of the few condoms that can be used with the hipster’s new favorite lube– coconut oil. Coconut oil causes latex condoms to break due to increased heat from friction, but luckily LifeStyles SKYN and SKYN Large are made from polyisoprene.
When the whole house is filled with hipsters, you better believe they are knockin’ mismatched Converse. This 100 Condom Super Sampler Pack is under $30, so if everyone chips in 5 bucks, you’ll all be safe. Share the wealth and instead of shopping for strollers at the Salvation Army, you and your roomies can score that new Arcade Fire album on vinyl.