Sexual conquests come with a certain amount of bragging rights, yet when it comes to telltale injuries from sex, even the most hush-hush, respectful and private people can’t help but reveal their recent sexual escapades…
20. Knee Bruising
If you usually wear shorts or miniskirts, you may have to switch to trousers or black leggings for a week or so if you look down and spot a bulging pair of swollen and purple tinged kneecaps. Or, just own it and strut your stuff by wearing those knee wounds like discolored badges of honor!
19. Foot Cramps
Maybe it’s from all the years of dance classes, but I can’t help but point my toes when the action gets going, which leads to the most intense foot cramps imaginable in the arch of the foot. Post-coitus, prepare to be woken up in the middle of the night with crippling curved foot pain which leaves hobbling as the only option. If you’d rather sleep through the night, have your lover massage your feet with Wet Fun Flavors Warming Lotion to loosen the foot muscles and tendons after sex.
A post-orgasmic headache is fairly common amongst males. I’d noticed this from my own experience, and I recently read a study about this phenomenon frequently occurring in males between the ages of 20-25 and from 35-45. It is speculated that the release of adrenaline coupled with the intense exertion expended during sex causes these headaches, which can be quite severe. Many of these men find that beta blockers are helpful in preventing these sex induced headaches.
17. Charley Horse
Around age 25, I began noticing a charley horse effect when positions involving splits or semi-splits were included in sex. I realized that I needed to stretch daily in order to avoid the pitfalls and sex-stopping qualities of the agonizing stabbing hip/leg pain that is the Charley Horse. It is possible to get a Charley Horse (painful muscle spasm) in any area of the body, but mine tend to be the legs. Upping your potassium and calcium intake are also good ideas if you tend to get Charley Horses during sex.
16. Slip ‘n Fall
As discussed in our Squirting article, when things get wet and messy, the likelihood of a slip and fall greatly increases. Also see our Height Differences article for more information about safety and shower sex. Since they never dry, silicone-based lubes are especially prone to causing loss of balance, so make sure your lube stays off the tile/wood/laminate floor. Once, I also had an incident involving what I refer to as, “a mountainous range of used Magnums,” strewn across my tile floor, which caused a humorous, yet painful slip and fall on the way to the bathroom.
15. Lower Back Sprain
Although I have a serious affinity for strap ons and pegging, what it does to my lower back can leave me looking more like The Hunchbacked Dame than the statuesque glamazon image I was going for. I feel for the plight of thrusters, I really do. The amount of effort is extreme. I recommend for women to try it, the next time they think their partner isn’t going hard or fast enough.
14. Carpal Tunnel
As mentioned in Too Much Masturbation, wrist strain and overuse is no joke. I’ll admit it, I’ve got a wrist brace at home. Using plenty of lube and suction cup toys are great ways to avoid unnecessary wrist strain. If your or your partner’s wrists are weak or have nerve damage, don’t make them go numb (a.k.a. the stranger), substitute oral, vaginal or anal penetration instead.
Performing oral sex on a new partner is a strange and wild adventure that practically requires a spelunking helmet and a neck brace, because things can get super unpredictable. If you’ve ever been in a fender bender, or tamed a wild horse, you know what I’m talking about. Your neck is about to be stiffer than a corpse’s erection. Walking around like a neckless robot all day is a sure sign that you went down the night before.
Whether or not the carpet matches the drapes is not my concern. What I am worried about is this: Is there carpet? The shorter the nap (like berber) the worse the burn– hence the shag carpet explosion in the 70s. Rugburn is a mild injury, but the amount of time it takes to go away is no laughing matter. Try to move to a non-carpeted area, or at least put down some towels, a sheet or a blanket prior to carpet lovin’. You can keep your red carpet, and I’ll keep my intact skin. Thanks.
Somewhat embarrassingly, I wore a hickie to work a few months ago. I thought my days of hickies were long gone– but apparently not. Sure, you can try to hide them with an out-of-season turtleneck sweater, or with a scarf, but this can be tricky in the summertime or in tropical climates. Out of politeness, try not to give your partner one in an obvious place, like their neck, unless they are OK with it. Additionally, avoid giving them on the genitals or nipples, as this can be quite painful.
10. Bite Marks
If you know someone’s entire dental history, just by looking at your boobs or hip bones, this can be an issue. There is a big difference between a love nibble and a rabid bite mark. If you or partner is consenting to these deep bites, so for it, but be sure not to go through the skin, or else you’ll both need a full panel STD test. You can also get other non-STD infections from the bacteria and viruses from human bites, so be cautious.
9. Scratch Marks
If the scratches on your back and thighs resemble the countdown of days on a prison wall, you’ve become a sexy kitten’s scratching post. Often seen in groupings of 4,5,8 or 10 scratches, these fingernail carvings can be a true giveaway to others. Scratch marks can also occur on the shaft as a result of teeth or ring abrasions, as we wrote about in Finding False Flag After Fornicating. If the skin was broken, be aware that this could have caused a fluid transfer. Wounds should be disinfected as soon as possible.
8. Cut To Shreds Frenulum
We all know how wonderful oral sex from an experienced and enthusiastic lover can be– but what about those who are still learning? We’ve discussed braces and oral sex, but what about the little flap of skin underneath your tongue called the frenulum? The razor sharp tops of your bottom teeth can slice ‘n dice this little flap like there is no tomorrow. Remember to lift your tongue up and then out. You can always put a little dental wax on the tops of your bottom teeth if you find it too difficult to avoid getting these salty-potato-chip-hating cuts.
7. Beard Burn
Keeping up with hygiene isn’t just aesthetically pleasing, it has a practical reason as well. Beard burn is a surprisingly long lasting side effect of prolonged facial contact with someone who has sharp stubble. It consists of a pink, red, raw nose, chin, lips and cheeks of the partner. In one case, I even had skin peeling off my face for days from the multitude of harsh hairs against my skin. This can happen with pubic hair stubble as well.
6. Busted Lip
Anytime human bodies start wrestling around, there is bound to be potential for a face injury. Since mouths are so commonly used in sexual activities, they seem to suffer from the majority of the hits, kicks, head butts, elbows, etc. Even kissing, while other things are going on, can be complicated enough for one party to end up with a busted lip. Just be extra careful if blood makes an appearance during sex, as this can increase the odds of the exchange of bodily fluids.
5. Rope/Handcuff Ligature Marks
For those who like a little bondage, beware of the leftover ligature marks from your BDSM play, especially if you don’t like follow up questions or haven’t mastered the art of concealer yet. I advise for you to use Furry Cuffs or Sports Cuffs for restraint as opposed to standard issue correctional cuffs to avoid these marks. Another great option instead of metal or rope is to use the Bondage Queen Bed Sheet that comes with four no-mark-leaving restraints.
The FDA has found that anything containing spermicide can lead to an increase in vaginal and anal microtears, which increases the susceptibility of STDs being contracting and spread. Other means of getting microtears are in the case of mismatched genital size, lack of proper foreplay, vaginal dryness and a lack of anal lube. Microtears can leave you open for infections and can cause stinging when in lube is introduced to the area.
Excessive or unlubricated male prostate play or anal play with women can lead to an unfortunate and uncomfortable anal condition known as hemorrhoids. This is why you should use plenty of anal lube like Pjur Backdoor Relaxing Anal Glide! Otherwise, instead of a bagel and coffee for breakfast the next day, you could be buying a tube of Preparation H and an inflatable donut.
2. Vaginal Swelling
Following a rambunctious session, it is common for women to find their vaginal lips sealed up like a Ziploc freezer bag. This is a direct result of stress on the area from banging, friction and reaming motions. Don’t worry, it is only temporary. But, let this be a lesson– the slower and more tender round one is, the more likely it is that she’ll be open and up for a round two.
1. Muscular Spasms/Tremors
Ever tried to walk up a flight of stairs the day after a tornado of lovemaking went down? Were you shaking like an introvert at a spelling bee? Athletes and bodybuilders know this quaking feeling well, but those who are less familiar with to-the-limit workouts may find the constantly shaking and weak feeling muscles to be very distracting and even comical, because easy tasks like pressing down on a gas pedal or pushing a grocery cart can be a shaky challenge.