Sure, when magazine articles claim they’ll reveal the best sex positions, it’s very enticing. Yet a lot of times, they completely miss the mark. Some of them are anatomically impossible or at the very least uncomfortable and impractical for use in real life.
Whether they are painful, ridiculous or just downright unsexy, these Kama-Sutra-gone-wrong positions are best left in the magazines and out of your bedroom. You may have already read our telltale sexual injuries article, but if you’d like some of your own bruises, strains and scrapes, try out one or all of these five worst sex positions as suggested by popular magazines (sadly, none of which mention safer sex at all– way to promote responsible readership, guys).
5. Bottom’s Up
If you want to stare at chode or to break your peen, go ahead and try the Bottom’s Up, as suggested by Men’s Health magazine. As if the man could somehow repeatedly thrust down and backwards, all while not crushing his partner or uncomfortably bending his erect penis.
The experts at this men’s magazine suggest that this position gives her a “prime view of your derriere.” I’d say that most women like to glance at a man butt from a distance as it’s walking away, or while it’s stretching, in the shower or playing a sport, not while it’s sweaty, spread eagle and all up in your face– especially if personal hygiene is an issue. And the alternate, head turned view? His always visually stimulating dirty and callused feet.
4. Butter Churner
This position is great for when you can’t decide if you’d rather chill on the couch or in your girlfriend. Women’s Health magazine isn’t any better when it comes to dishing up the new positions than Men’s Health is, as evidenced by this back breaking “Here honey, let me sit on you,” position called the Butter Churner. Sure, it might feel good for about 1.5 seconds, before her neck vertebrae snap, but what’s the point of that?
Wouldn’t you rather her neck be in tip-top shape, in case there is oral action action later on? Or, ya know, just in case she needs to use her neck at some point tomorrow without experiencing excruciating pain? Plus, to add insult to injury, their silly suggestion of dribbling honey into her mouth while in this position sounds both like a choking hazard and a giant sticky mess.
3. The Kinky Jockey
I can’t even express how wrong this position is. When it comes to lesbian sex, what’s better than the Kinky Jockey? Just about everything. Now only is one partner left out of the equation completely, the other is left to grind her clitoris on what, exactly? A soft, squishy and ample butt cheek?
That’s not exactly prime clit grinding material, experts at Cosmo. I do applaud the staff on attempting to include lesbian lovin’ in their magazine, but this is an epic sex position fail if there ever was one. Hey Cosmo, ever hear of a manual sex, cunnilingus, a strap-on or a clitoral vibrator?
2. Missionary 45 Degrees
The sex position experts at Prevention magazine have come up with this twist on the traditional missionary position, which results in an awkward sideways jabbing sensation for the receiving partner. Did somebody just say ouch? That’s like eating a popsicle at a 45 degree angle, folks. Sure, technically it works, but it’s not the most effective means of doing so.
Their justification? The vagina, “is not nerve rich. Its purpose is to birth a baby, so you don’t really want too many nerves there.” Really. Huh. I have a vagina and I can tell you, it has plenty of nerve endings and entering it at a 45 degree angle isn’t going to be good for anyone, even if it involves a ton of ID Millennium and a small penis.
1. The Bridge
Ok, so this position is from Fitness magazine, granted. But, still! Anyone who knows the shakiness that comes along with great sex realizes that this position would be practically impossible for the receiving partner to keep up for any length of time, even on a yoga mat.
Plus, the softness of a mattress adds a whole other element of balance and stability that even the experts at Fitness magazine state your muscles will, “be burning,” from, “holding all your body weight off the bed,” all while thrusting and pounding all up on your partner, of course. Since most of us aren’t fitness gurus, despite our athleticism in bed, this position is best left for the bulging triceps of Olympians and FIFA stars.