Want to know the sure signs of having more-than-a-good time?
We’ve already covered the top ten signs of sexual frustration, but what about the signs of sexual satisfaction? Here are the top 10 indicators that you just had seriously mind-blowing sex!
10. ‘Urine’ for a Starving Slump
Ravenous hunger and the undeniable urge to pee are the only things motivating you to move from the seriously awkward position you collapsed into. If a chalk outline was drawn around your spent and slumped figure, it’d resemble a Rorschach test. At this point, you wish your bed had come with a built-in toilet and mini-fridge.
9. “Huh? I Must’ve Missed Your Call.”
You check your phone and see you missed calls, emails, your alarm clock, texts and social media and dating app notifications– yet you never even noticed your ringtone, alarm or message alerts going off multiple times during your sexcapades. Your attention was, for once, wholly focused elsewhere.
8. Stress Melts, Sloth Emerges
Suddenly everything in life that’s been bothering you seems less stressful and difficult to manage. Work, school, problems with family and friends, health issues– they all seem to slide away into a far and distant future, as you think you yourself, “I’ll worry about those things later.”
In your newly found zen-like state, you realize you’ve been laying on a bottle of WET Ecstasy Silicone-Based lube long enough for it to leave an impression in your skin. You serenely move the lube to the nightstand with the calmness of a sloth and continue transcending the physical world.
7. Sweat, Sweltering & Sex Flush
Clean-up requires towels, laundry to be done, showering, antibacterial soap and sex toy cleaner. And, even after a cool shower and fresh clothes, you still have all the symptoms of sex flush— tomato face, profuse sweating and panting. Laying spread eagle in front of a high speed fan or air conditioning vent seems like the best idea ever. Modesty and sharing the icy draft are not a concern at this time.
6. Terribly Untamable Tresses
You and/or your partner’s hair is in locked in tight with the infamous back-of-the-head and gravity defying sex-induced-dreadlock which may or may not contain a piece of a condom wrapper ensnared in it’s bouffant glory. Removal of said sweaty dread can take many minutes of painful brushing and combing. The result? A poofy and telltale sex hair bump that lasts and lasts, and reminds you of the orgasm every time you look in the mirror.
5. Cursed by Thirst
There simply isn’t enough cold water and ice in the world to quench your thirst and stave off your impending dehydration. This sign is often accompanied by bringing an entire gallon of Zephyrhills water into bed to share or filling the largest cup in the place up, such as a Bubba Keg, only to drain it down with the quickness of a buttered bullet.
4. Can’t. Stop. Smiling.
Your cheeks are sore from smiling so much, which you notice every single time you contentedly sigh, “Ahh,” or,”Mmm,” over and over again for the next hour while you mouthbreathe and reminisce. This face soreness is also noticeable when squinting due to a bright overhead light being turned on or when face contorting while reapplying your long lost protective layer of Chapstick.
3. Freaking out over Your Lost Lingerie?
Take It Easy, Bra.
Not only can you not locate your clothing, that earring that flew out mid-coitus or your eyeglasses, you can’t even remember what you were wearing, so you crawl around naked feeling floor-strewn fabrics for a familiar texture.
During this tactile journey, a wet mountainous range of used condoms is mistakenly discovered, usually by a knee. Inevitably, the hunt for garments strewn in random places leads to giving up and leaving something behind and/or borrowing an oversized t-shirt.
2. From, “Nice Rack!” to Racked with Pain
Coughing, laughing, climbing stairs, bending over, working out, stretching, hovering over a public toilet– it all hurts due to extreme core, arm, glut and leg muscle fatigue and soreness. Shaky leg syndrome is very common, as well as doing the penguin walk, charley horses and temporarily debilitating foot cramps.
1. It Sounds like Trouble
Considering the large amount of moaning, screaming, furniture movement, spanking, skin slapping, cheeks clapping, broken glass from flailing limbs, and various other squishy sounds emanating from the locale of your sexy times– you may or may not have attracted audio spectators or have the cops show up thinking it’s a domestic dispute.
Your roommates and/or neighbors have a mixed bag of emotions including jealousy, curiosity, vicarious pride, sincere congratulations, horniness and envy. Without a doubt, after so loudly demonstrating your prowess and your ability to fully satisfy a lover, they’ll never look at you the same way again, and you may find it hard to look them straight in the eye, even while high-fiving.