Sexy times can spring up right when you least expect them to. You’re in your pajamas, picking crust out of your eyes and comparing prices on bulk kitty litter and toilet paper at 5AM, when suddenly an irresistible opportunity arises for some nookie. What are you to do?
Unless you happen to be wearing a Break Glass in Case of Emergency t-shirt, you’re screwed. And, not in the way you want to be.
In circumstances like this one, keeping condoms in the most unsuspecting of places pays off big time. Why risk missing out on the lovin’ or being tempted to go at it raw dog, when there are so many outside-of-the-box ways to carry condoms?
You’re Leaving Us Hanging, Guys
Sadly, the Durex Love Box and the Trojan 2GO, both of which were designed by major condom manufacturers as a means of safely getting your condoms from point A to point B have been discontinued. This leaves us condom-toting folks at a bit of a loss… or does it?
Previous Information on Condom Strappin’
Hopefully, you’re already aware of condom’s sensitivity to temperature and sunlight, as discussed in ‘Why Do Condoms Break?’ Cars, pockets and wallets are all no-no’s for condom storage. Click these links to learn more about condoms and extreme temperatures.
And, speaking of the seasons, as the weather warms up check out our other informative Spring Break guide on ‘Staying Safe While Wearing Less’ which features bra pockets for condoms and secret stash flip flops.
Fun-Sized or King-Sized Wrapper?
Bear in mind that condom wrappers come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Currently, we are only carrying condoms with square wrappers, as we do not have ONE brand condoms (round) at this time. The good news about that is, bringing a square foil pack of lube along with you, like Pjur Original BodyGlide, is a cinch as it’s the same general size and shape as our condoms.
Nonetheless, obviously a Trojan Magnum XL wrapper (2.875″ x 2.875″) will be a larger size than say a Caution Wear Black Ice wrapper (2.25″ x 2.25″). You may want to measure your favorite condom before hunting down the ideal carrying-case, as you don’t want any portion of the wrapper to be trapped in the closing mechanism.
Safe Solutions for Stashing Your Sheaths:
Ready to mack at the drop of a hat? Read on to discover creative and discreet solutions to this continual, “Crap. How am I going to carry these condoms with me?” crisis.
For the Techno-Friendly Fornicators:
Commuter Otter Box
Designed to be an all-in-one companion on the go, the Commuter Series Wallet Case by Otter Box has a hidden compartment intended for secret storage of cash, ID and credit cards.
But, you can forgo all of those silly things and pack a condom or Trust Oral Dam for your commute instead. Just be sure this is a temporary method, as the heat from your cell phone will damage the condom over time.
3-D Printed iPhone 5 Case with Condom Slot
Perhaps they’re not the type of Jobs that Steve intended, but you can print your own (or place an order for one) 3-D iPhone 5 case which not only protects your precious phone, but also your precious junk during any type of job you’re after.
Simply slide the condom securely in it’s special compartment and jet set to jizz-town!
3-D Printed Condom Container
And, the three dimensional printing fun doesn’t stop there. If you’re not the iPhone type, you can still indulge in a slick, printed condom container for travel.
What’s more? It’s logo customizable (although I love the lil jimmy hat design) shown here!
Game Boy Game Cartridge Cases
Today may be the day that 90’s nostalgia and a lifetime of hoarding pays off for you. Remember those old Game Boy game cartridges you have in the basement or attic?
Bust ’em out, because the cases are ideally sized for housing your condoms. Perfectly suited for meeting Princess Daisy!
This one has been around since the days of Xerox Note Taker, and for good reason.
With a plethora of extra pockets to choose from and constructed from durable fabrics, laptop bags provide a great way to scoot around town with condoms, with no one being the wiser.
For the Lo-Fi, Gettin’ Freaky Folks:
Hollowed Out Book
Show your favorite Pinky you’ve got a Brain by using this age-old condom hiding tactic– a hallowed out book.
Easy to make and virtually free from your local thrift shop, diaries work particularly well due to the locking mechanism on the side.
Deck of Cards Case/ Dice Bag
For all the playas out there, why gamble on contacting or passing along an STI or creating an unwanted pregnancy? Don’t roll the dice with your future.
Put a condom or two in your dice bag or sandwiched one in-between some playing cards for the best bet!
Locking Change Purse
Don’t short-change yourself. Come on, whaddya need more? Condoms or quarters?
Keep your change at home and bring the condoms with you. Believe me, it will be a game changer.
Jewelry Gift Box
Even if the jewelry is hideous, or from an ex– don’t throw those gift boxes away just yet! Those velvety, padded, hinged-top boxes are a soft and protected way to carry condoms without anyone suspecting a thing.
Some are even amply sized enough to slip a Vibrating Johnny in there as well!
Business Card Holder
Don’t go all American Psycho when you realize you left the house without condoms. Take care of business and render those services!
Whip out your stylin’ mini attache case business card holder full of condom-y goodness instead. Classy!
Sized for larger condom wrappers like the Trojan Double Ecstasy, cigarette cases are super easy to carry and draw little suspicion from others.
Plus, you can bring along two smokes in it for after. Score!
Tins with Lids
Probably the most well-known means of taking condoms around town with you is to keep them in an Altoids or tea tin.
Safe from sun and pointy objects, this clever condom disguise is simple and takes very little planning. Keep your condoms in mint condition for your next cu-tea!
These are seemingly obvious suggestions, but I must give them to you with a warning– any sharp objects (pen, pencil, nail file, tweezers, etc.) should be removed from the bag before condom storage begins.
Check yourself before you stealth yourself.
Granted, they’re not as cool as Leela’s wrist gizmo from Futurama, but these wrist wallets are extremely affordable and readily available.
I recommend them for concerts and festivals where bulky bags can be a hindrance.
Harder to find, but well deserving of props in the fashion department are square shaped lockets.
You’ll need a large one to fully cure your horny hysteria, like the hinged window lockets which were popularized in the Victorian era. How romantic! Swoon!
Inside a Sexpert Bonus Round
Barrel of Monkeys
What was my first brilliant idea for taking condoms with me, in a tactful way? Buying a barrel of monkeys, making earrings out of the monkeys and stuffing the barrel full of fresh condoms– a true testament to my maturity level. I did this for years without anyone finding out the actual contents of this bright blue, plastic barrel.
What’s the lesson in all this? Be creative and you’ll find a condom concealing method that fits your lifestyle, personality, budget and aesthetics!