As I talked about in our, “July Questions, Part One” article, I have a problem with the whole, “Do this and you’ll get laid for sure!” sentiment that a lot of men and women’s magazines and websites like to pump out.
It’s kind of demeaning to whoever it’s about– like men are robots who become automatically aroused if you simply use perfume that smells like bunny farts, or women are sex kittens who turn into panthers if you eat oysters in a certain way. Blech. Plus, it doesn’t really take the other person’s feelings into account. It treats people like machines and when it comes to sex, we really aren’t.
However, there are certain things to be on the lookout for in prospective partners if you’re concerned they aren’t up to scratch. I polled my fellows here at the Condom Depot Learning Center, as well as some friends, to get the scoop on what people look for as a good indicator of whether or not someone’s good in bed.
Do they insist on protection?
It’s no secret. People who know their way around some latex (or non-latex barrier materials!) know the sexiest secrets of all: safety. Not only does it mean they want to keep you safe, but it shows they care about keeping their own body a temple. And whether that temple is a marble basilica or a KFC/Taco Bell combo truck stop, taking care of it so that they can take care of you is the sexiest indicator of all.
Are they humble and confident?
People who are good in bed don’t need to brag about it. They let their work speak for itself, and those who they don’t end up sleeping with don’t need to know anyway. This is sort of a fine balancing act with confidence. Confidence can be sexy, but having too much confidence can come across as disingenuous. It shows that they might not actually know what they’re doing. The last thing I want to hear from a potential partner is how skilled their tongue work is. Yeah, okay, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Do you have their consent?
Let’s move away from the idea that consent is sexy, and more towards the idea that consent is necessary. Did you ask for permission to ransack their haberdashery? Did they ask you if you were cool to fondue? Cool. Remember, a person who is intoxicated can’t legally give their consent, so avoid situations where that might be called into question, and make sure you get an enthusiastic, “Yes, yes, YES!!” instead of just waiting to hear a, “Uhh… no?” Because remember: sometimes there’s a thin line between consent and coercion.
Are they skilled with their hands?
Ever wonder why panties get thrown at musicians when they’re onstage? There’s a lot to be said in the way someone uses their hands. Hands can be both strong and dexterous, and even if manual sex isn’t your thing, they can sure be a helping appendage around the bedroom. Skilled hands means they pay attention, are careful in their work, and focused on getting a good outcome. Pun intended.
Once, my partner and I were at a friend’s house playing some video games. When a part came up that required some super dexterity, my partner, an avid gamer since the ’80s, showed off his immense talent with some crazy combos. Behind his back, one of our friends caught my eye for a wink and a knowing nod. K.O!
Are they courteous?
They don’t have to be a knight in shining armor, but do they hold open the door for you when they see you’re carrying something heavy? Do they leave good tips? Do they treat waiters and customer service staff kindly? Are they considerate of others? If they’re giving in public, you know they’ll be giving in private, too. Good chemistry happens when each person is as focused on the other’s delight. And speaking of chemistry…
Do you have chemistry?
Chemistry isn’t just know what’s in your lube. It’s that magical ingredient that makes you go umph when you connect with another person! Chemistry is one of those things you know when you see it, but it can be difficult to describe to other people. It’s not really about if your personalities are the same– you can have excellent chemistry with someone who is your exact opposite. It’s something you just feel when you’re attracted to someone– and you get the feeling that they might be attracted to you.