Lotion Review: Elbow Grease Light Cream

Can you feel the self-love? It’s Masturbation Month, so my partner and I kicked it off with a product intended for solo use on a shaft: Elbow Grease Light Cream.

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How did it fair next to Elbow Grease brand’s thicker Original Cream formula? Read Sam’s masturbation cream review to compare!

In general, I’m pro-lube, but even more so than usual in regards to male masturbation. You see, lubrication is the key to preventing death grip and the callusing of the underside of the penis from dry and vigorous pressure and friction. Lube makes manual sex more akin to penetrating a moist orifice as opposed to a dry man-hand.

But what makes a product like Elbow Grease Light Cream or Swiss Navy Premium Masturbation Cream a masturbation cream versus a personal lubricant? Oil. This ingredient will cause the vast majority of condoms out there to superheat, degrade and break.

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Elbow Grease lubricants are distributed by The B. Cumming Company, out of Sun Valley CA, and while their slogan is, “The All-American Lubricant,” there is no indication that this product is actually manufactured in the States, like WET lubes and Doc Johnson’s lubes are.

The label states it’s so safe and odorless, “Even your mother told you to use it!”

OK, Really? First of all, talkin’ about Mom on a massage cream? Eww. Secondly, I scoff at the supposed odorless-ness of this cream. When I cracked the seal, a strong and distinctive chemical smell immediately wafted up out of the tub, like Elmer’s white glue mixed with Ajax. Which quickly lead me to look at what’s in this stuff:

Ingredients: DI Water, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Paraffin, Peg-8, Sorbitan Stearate, Polysorbate-60, Stearic Acid, Stearyl Alcohol and Ceteareth-20, Cetyl Alcohol, Lanolin, Borax, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Imidazolidiny Urea

To my complete and utter horror it not only contains Borax (made from boric acid, and commonly used as a wood preservative, lethal insecticide and pesticide) and two kinds of parabens. Yikes. The nose knows, you know?

Thirdly, the container is not recyclable or user-friendly. The screw-top requires both hands and when you scoop it out it wedges up underneath your nails. For fun I thought I’d unscrew the wide-mouthed tub and do a sort of dip and swirl fondue onto his head to avoid the fingernail issue. But, upon doing so, the captive bead ring in his Prince Albert genital piercing spun and caused the cream to enter into his urethra.

The white, opaque chunkiness was unlike anything I’d ever encountered before, outside of cooking with lard. No matter how it was massaged, rubbed or stroked into the skin, it never managed to become smooth in texture– leaving a sort of lumpy oatmeal type of effect. Blech.

And later…

His exclamation from within the bathroom about this stuff? “Ahh! It feels like burning Crisco!” Hmm. Not exactly the hella-high endorsement I had hoped for. He much prefers the non-hydrogenated smooth, shiny, silicone-based slickness of ID Millennium.

At a current price of $10.99 for 4oz (133.4g) of Elbow Grease Light Cream, I’d rather buy some Jergens, Kleenex, and a cheeseburger and call it a night.

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Overall Rating: 1 Star

Final Verdict:

Sadly, when it comes to male masturbation, Elbow Grease Light Cream is a giant step down from the slick and sensual performance of silicone-based lubes like Pjur Man Basic and it may even take a backseat to some common bathroom products. It’s greasy, chunky, stinky, difficult to apply, and not environmentally, user or body-friendly.

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The Condom Depot Learning Center provides free safer sex ed and has recently been resourced by Men's Health, Go Ask Alice, Her Campus, LifeHacker, Scarleteen, Bustle, Madame Noire, Jezebel, Vice, Stallion Style, aPlus, Sex Talk Tuesday and Adult Sex Ed Month.

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